Hello everyone. It has been a while, hasn't it? About half a year since I last wrote to you all, and since I last poured my mind out onto this blank template. Many things have changed since then. I am starting a new career, a partly new life, and a new heart?
Last time, I wrote about how I had broken up with my partner of four years. How do I feel now, you may ask? I feel a bit odd actually. I do not have any feelings for him anymore, but I do feel terrible for how I had ended it. He told me he never really saw it coming, but I realized that perhaps I wasn't so clear to him on how I had felt, and that if I had made it more clear earlier on in our relationship, then he would have been less hurt and it would have been easier for him to move on.
A quick update, as while this will not be the focus of this post, but it is something that I wish to reflect upon in the near future- I am in love, with one of my closest friends of several years, someone that I have known since my first year of college. I never knew how much we had in common until we started getting closer to each other; ever since I opened my heart to him, and he opened his heart to me, we have had an amazing, heart-warming relationship. While it is long-distance a majority of the time, we try hard to make it work the best we can. We talk to each other daily, and say good morning and good night to each other. When we talk, it feels like we are right next to each other, and when we are both busy, while I miss him so much, I never feel lonely. It is an amazing feeling, to trust and have complete faith in someone that I love and care for, and not be afraid of being in love.
Well, I could talk for many blog posts about him, but I wish to talk about something entirely different, and something that is the source of my current frustrations and has made me turn back to blogging. :)
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I am still living at home, much to my confusion and frustration. Yes, the same home that I grew up in, the same tiny house where I have a bunk bed with my younger sister, and almost no space to myself. I miss and crave the freedom that I had while I was living in San Diego, and having less time to myself only makes me grow more and more frustrated with my living situation. Yet, at the same time, I know I should be so thankful to have my parents let me live at home without paying for rent, and allowing me to save money on living expenses. While I do shop for my own groceries, pay for my own gas and bills, they have provided me with a lot of financial support- paying for my LASIK (though they asked me to pay them back in installments), and not charging for rent or utilities.
The main source of frustration is the clashing and arguments that I have with my parents, mainly my dad. My dad is a very headstrong, stubborn, dependent person, who often does not agree with other people and bases his arguments and conversations solely on facts, and never on feelings or passions. Myself, on the other hand, argues with passion and emotion, rather than just facts, and I love my independence. When I was living on my own, I went to the gym and ate out as I pleased, went grocery shopping when I needed to, and ran in the neighborhood when I felt like I needed to exercise. Now, living at home, my dad requires me to ask him for permission and let him know EXACTLY where I am going, when I am going, and why. He "does not let me" go to the gym in the evenings or randomly, and always questions every decision and purchase I make. This clashing leads to a lot of passionate arguments and tension between me and my dad, and I am not sure how to solve it.
Another source of our arguments- he wishes me to commute over 100 miles a day for my work, but I wish to move into an apartment to decrease my commute time. Besides sleeping 5 hours a night at home, I live, eat, and sleep in my car or outside my house, and never spend time at home (unless the rare time on weekends). His argument is to save up money to purchase a house, but my argument is sanity, health, and time. Which one is more right? Who is to decide which is better?
I understand where he is coming from, or at least, I try to understand. He has been the sole "bread-winner" in my family (my mother does not work) and almost all of his stress and frustrations stems from money and "not earning enough" in my mother's family's eyes. However, I know how hard he works, and he works hard to the point that he rarely finds time to relax or enjoy life or take care of his health.
I am at a loss of words, and I am not sure how to approach him besides just taking a deep breath and avoiding arguments.
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