I immediately jumped back into applying for graduate school and jobs and community college classes, not realizing what an emotional, physical, and mental toll it would take on me. At the same time, I was trying to rearrange everything in the house, help out my siblings, and make sure that my parents are doing okay. I began reorganizing everything- the pantry, the garage, my sister's room, and many cabinets and closets. It wasn't even a month before I started to burn out and feel that sinking feeling creep into my skin.
I had also realized that, at the same time, I started retracting from my relationship with my boyfriend. I had approached him with my concerns of lack of communication, but in hindsight, I realized that he began making more of an effort than I did. I wasn't sure if it was because I was subconsciously preparing myself for a long-distance relationship, or if I knew what was going to happen next.
Even though I slowly started communicating less with my partner, I began communicating more with closer friends, the friends that I had started college with. I wasn't sure why this happened either, but it seemed so natural to initiate a conversation online with them on a daily basis. Perhaps I felt lonely, or maybe I was just seeking reassurance. Either way, it seemed to fill a void in my life that...I felt was missing with my partner. I also began feeling less physically and emotionally attracted to my partner- though these feelings surfaced years prior in the relationship, I had chalked it up to "relationship ups-and-downs" and hadn't considered it further. When I had moved home, I was hoping that the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" would hold true, and that my love and feelings for my partner would return. Instead, the void and empty feelings towards my partner began to deepen, all the while my yearning for my friends steadily increased.
I eventually ended things with my partner, on a sunny and seemingly innocent and cheerful Saturday afternoon. I had discussed the idea with my friends for years, but finally mustered the courage to tell him how I truly felt. It was heart-wrenching and guilt-wracking, and possibly the worst thing I had ever done in my entire life. I hated myself for speaking the truth, and wished that I could have taken the words back. But the phrases had already left my lips- "I don't feel the same anymore, in our relationship. I don't know when it started, but I don't feel that spark or attraction or love anymore. I care about you as a friend...but I think that's it. I don't know what to do and I've tried to change how I feel, but I don't know how."
The fact that he was so understanding about it made me hate myself even more. He remained calm throughout everything, even though I had already cried away my mascara and my makeup and my eyelids started to become puffy and swollen. He thanked me for being honest with him. In the end, we had agreed to give me some space, so I could try to figure out how I truly felt- about myself, about my friends, and about my partner. What was it that I was missing? Why was I feeling this way? How can I change this?
After the breakup, I cried during the long drive home, and hid from my family under the pretenses of studying for my exams. To this very minute, I have never felt more scared and alone in my entire life. I knew that he was my rock, my support, and my best friend. And yet, as a lover and a partner, the connection was no longer there. I didn't crave the touch, the caress, the kiss... and I didn't feel any emotional connection. The relationship felt almost...too comfortable, to the point where I no longer wanted sexual intimacy, or emotional intimacy. Was that emotional void filled by the friends I had talked to daily? I wasn't sure. To this moment, I am unsure of anything. I just know that, at this moment, I feel as if I were a table supported by only two legs, ready to fall at any time. I feel very unsupported, unstable, shaky and...scared. Did I make the right decision? What is this relationship that I want? Is physical and emotional intimacy just as important as companionship and comfort?
